Don't stay at The Malvern Hotel. No, really, just don't. It's so bad it's gone all the way through "so bad it's funny" and out the other side to "just fucking awful".
What's wrong with it? Well it's in a fairly horrible state of disrepair, paint, plaster and wallpaper peeling and questionable electric fittings, but that would be almost excusable if it weren't filthy. By filthy I mean uncleaned toilet and vomit stains on the wall in the room I was in amongst other delights. The crack is, the place isn't cheap at all: £65 pp per night, in our case. Good quality chain hotels in the same area of Brighton are £10 - £25 per night cheaper... The place exists, of course, because there is an endless stream of foreign tourists in Brighton who don't know they're being ripped off. This sort of thing needs stamping on, it's little short of a national disgrace the way we allow visitors to our once fine country to be treated.
We should have figured out something was up when I called for directions on the way in:
Me: "We're heading in from the West on the A27, please would you give us directions?"
Chinese Woman who runs the "hotel": "You will be here by half-past eight".
It traspired that this was intended not as advice but rather as a demand (we ended up having to buy a map to find the place and in retrospect sincerely wish we hadn't).
Just so there's no confusion, the place I'm talking about is:
The Malvern Hotel
33 Regency Square
Just say no.