England vs Jamaica

Svennis' last match on "home" soil. I wish I were there, the atmosphere before the game looks really great and I'd love to have a go at some of that Jamaican BBQ stuff they're all cooking up. It's got all the makings of a fun game in the summer sun. Bring it on!

On the footy side, we're back to 4-4-2. National sigh of relief? This looks like his first choice XI barring the absence of Citizen Neville and The Granny Shagger - Carragher's in for Neville, as good a second-choice as you could have, he'd be a first-choice in most sides. On paper this is a very good team indeed.

Owen really needs to get his act together today. He's up there with Crouch, which realistically should suit Owen down to the ground. If he fucks up again, though, will Svennis drop him? Actually, I think he might...

BBC coverage is so far crap as usual, why the fuck do I have to pay money for this nonsense? [1]

Here we go! Rock 'n' Roll!

2:00 Well Jamaica are playing well, look like they're up for it and certainly aren't taking prisoners. Might not be a bad idea to take Owen off now?

8:10 England in control but achieving very little. It's hot out there, too, could get interesting.

9:15 Free kick to England. Central and about 25 yards. Beckham, straight back out again.

10:47 Goal to England! Lampard. Well taken, following on into the area. Made it look easy. Shame he can't do the same thing from the penalty spot - if Beckham's not going to take them (and let's face it, he shouldn't) then AC3 would be my choice: knocks them in as cool as you like.

15:00 Joe Cole fouled, fair engough but he made a real meal of it. He really has got to watch that. Beckham free kick...

15:30 Goal to England! Good free kick, looks like an own goal.

20:45 Fine chance set up for Owen by AC3. Owen falls over. He really seems out of luck ATM.

22:00 Robinson rescues Terry from a rare lapse in concentration. There is a certain arrogance about the man (see my comments about the Hungary match) that he could do with losing. He may be good but I don't think he's as good as he thinks he is and that, I suspect, is a view shared by a few of the truly-world-class strikers he'll have to deal with in the World Cup. Nothing that a good bollocking wouldn't cure, however, he's certainly got the ability.

26:00 Crouch is everywhere ATM, doing a TH14. Good for him, he's way up in my Brownie Points league over the last couple of games. Is Owen still on the pitch?

28:04 Great knock back up Crouch, corner results.

28:10 Goal for England! Possibly RoboCrouch, possibly an OG, but we got the dance anyway. I could grow to love this man...

29:54 Great move, Owen yards offside. I know I keep knocking the man, but he's lost it, he really has. Give us TW32 at half-time so we can have a sensible comparison.

31:00 Goal for England! Owen, making hard work of an open goal. He's still not convincing me.

31:30 Terry off, SC23 on. Tight hamstring for Terry, apparently. Beckham's been looking like he's uncomfortable but he's still on.

34:47 AC3 off (tight thigh), Wayne Bridge on.

35:39 Shelton really should have scored for Jamaica. Shelton and Euell went through the revamped England defence like it wasn't there. Cross-shot went wide.

37:00 Jamaica may be 4-0 down but they're currently comfortably the better team.

40:51 Good run forward by Carragher, corner. England looking comfortable, having got their shape back. Corner cleared easily.

45:59 Shot by Shelton for Jamaica, over the top but a fine effort.

46:47 Another fine shot by Jamaica, wide.

Half-Time. 4-0. Can't argue with the score, whilst it looks a bit harsh on Jamaica, England have clearly taken the foot off the gas. I can't see that you can judge anything from what happens here, but at least it gives the team another chance to play together. Man of the Match so far? Peter Crouch by a country mile.

James on for Robinson for the second half. Makes sense.

50:30 Good break from Lampard, poor cross though. Corner nonetheless.

51:50 Crawford yellow-carded for a fairly awful tackle on Lampard. His moaning about it may well have got his card upgraded to red in a meaningful match.

54:42 Fine move by England (Beckham/Lampard). Corner. Cleared without too much trouble.

55:40 20-odd yard shot from Joe Cole. Not bad, but didn't bother the keeper either.

57:56 Jamaica attack. Good cross cleared by Carragher. Corner.

58:40 Corner cleared by Ferdinand for another corner. This one cleared easily.

64:00 It's all gone rather quiet. It's about SvenSub time, but there's not much sign of activity. Shot from Joe Cole, well saved.

My commentary is likely to suffer for the rest of this game from my need to deal with the kids visiting my neighbour. Obnoxious brats.

67:00 Goal for Enland! RoboCrouch! Great cross on the ground into the six-yard box from Carragher.

73:00 All a bit lame now. England are pretty much in control and are just attempting pot-shots. Jamaica certainly haven't given up, but they're running around a lot to no great purpose.

76:00 England have one substitution left. I'd really love Svennis to take Owen off and put on TW32 but he's taking off Gerrard and putting on Downing. Again fair enough, but I'm starting to worry about his reliance on the currently useless Owen. Sure, the guy needs games to get fit but the World Cup isn't the place to give him them. I'll probably be proved wrong by little Micky getting a hat-trick in each of the group games but when this doesn't happen I reserve the right to say "I told you so".

80:00 70k in attendance today, apparently. Great. I still think England matches should continue to go on a "road show" round the country, it's been really popular and gets crowds for England games we'd never get if they were all held at that place in Middlesex.

81:00 Penalty to England. Owen floored. Crouch to take. Gently put into row Z. Has he been talking to Beckham? Shame, though, he deserved the hat-trick. [2]

83:45 Free kick to Jamaica. High, though not that much.

89:00 Goal to England! Absolutely fantastic goal from RoboCrouch! Very, very well deserved hat-trick. If that's not enough to get him a start in the first group match then I may well have to introduce Svennis to the joys of vegetable marrows myself...

Full-Time. 6-0. Fair result, Crouch the Man of the Match easily. Everybody else pretty good though I have to say Terry and Ferdinand (though the latter wasn't so bad today) need to realise it doesn't just come on a plate and they do have to work from time to time.

[1] I appreciate there's more to the BBC than football (and indeed TV), comments via the "comments" bit perhaps?
[2] That's two missed in two games. Do we practice these? CF the Arsenal vs ManUSA cup final shootout...